Itna sab ho jane k baad kuch samay tak to mai khud hi kuch samjh nhi pa rhi thi. Adi ne ye to keh diya tha ki maine har tarah se unhe Jeet liya tha but ye kitna hi sach tha kon janta tha. Jab ye sab Mai wapas superficially padh rhi thi to mujhe khud bahut gussa aarha tha. Sach kahun to in spite all the arguments and conflicts we had , maine Adi ko hamesha respect Kiya hai , kabhi unka respect kam nhi hone diya h. Apne parents k samne bhi. Adi ko hamesha apne guardian ki tarah dekha h. Jab bhi unka hath thama h, unke sath kahin gai hoon ya unke kandhe pr sir rakha h wo sab ek trust k basis pr. Pr Adi us trust ko hi honor nhi kr paye the. Us trust ko tod rhe the wo. Aaj bhi mujhe baat mann me khatakti h chahe mai kahun ya na. Honestly uske baad bhi hum baat kr rhe the. Hum ek official date pr gye jiske liye mai hi khud ko khud se invite Kiya, funny and stupid right? Haan hai stupid or funny mai khud accept kr rhi. Coz us wakt tak mai apni feminine energy ko hi bhul gai thi. I forgot ki mera kaam nhi h unhe chase krna ya plan banana lekin mai kr rhi thi. Why? Coz I wanted to feel wanted . Mai chah rhi thi ki wo kisi to form me mujhe ye show karte ki wo mujhe apni life me rakhna chahte h. Pr maybe wo khud se ye nhi krne wale the so I was doing it on his behalf. Sach kahun jo ye sab likhne k baad mujhe khud pr hasi bhi aarhi h or gussa bhi aarha h. After that wapas ek layer aagya mere saare pain k upar or fir se sab kuch side rakh kr , apni feelings , apne emotions, mai wapas sab kuch superficially krne lagi thi. Adi ko bhi laga ki sab thik ho rha but deep down mujhe pata tha ki kuch to sahi nhi h. Mai khud thik nhi thi. Meri physical body, mera mental condition as well as spiritual condition, yahan tak ki maa baba ko bhi thik se face nhi kr pa rhi thi mai. Jaise mai , mai hoon hi nhi.

Fir se mai bimar Hui or ghar aagai. Or fir se kuch hua , or is baar Adi ne clear kr diya ki wo change kyu nhi ho rhe , or unke according reason thi mai. Haan us din Mai udas thi. Lekin kya maine kuch itna bada kiya tha ki wo mujhe blame kare ? Kya mai sach me karan thi ? Kya Adi aisa sochte the mere baare me ? Kya ye image thi unki mere mann me ? Har toxic household jaise kya Adi bhi mujhe har situation ka zimmedar mante the ? Kya bas itni hi ijjat thi meri unke nazron me ? Kya yahi tha unka pyaar ? Aisa hota h pyaar ? And another anxiety attack. Is baar bas galti ye hui thi mujhse ki maine Adi ko bata diya tha. Wo the raat bhar mere sath phone pr lekin mere dil ka dard kabhi kam hi nhi hua. Uske do din baad mai laut kr wapas hostel chali gai thi lekin sir utha k Adi ki taraf dekh bhi nhi pa rhi thi, kyuki ye wo insaan to the hi nhi jinke prati mai samarpit hui. Mere Adi kabhi kisi chiz k liye mujhe dosh nhi de sakte the. Adi wo the jo raat ko 2 bje you are beautiful n pretty k texts bhejte the wo mujhe aisa kaise feel Kara sakte the. Mai hasna hi bhul gai thi. Akele nhi reh pa rhi thi kyuki sab kuch mere kaano me goonj rha tha. Adi, jinhe dur se hi dekh kr Mera chehra khil Jata tha, jinke paas hone pr mera stress calm ho jaya krta tha , wo ab thik ulta ho rha tha. Mai akele nhi reh pa rhi thi, kyuki wahi sab baaten mujhe pareshan kr rhi thi. Mujhe yakeen hi nhi ho rha tha ki mai wo insaan thi jo ghar me poora din akele reh kr , Bina phone k , bas khud me vibe kiya krti thi. Pr ab jaise sab ajeeb ho gya tha. Mai , mai nhi thi. Adi ne bahut koshish ki mujhse baat krne ki lekin mere paas kehne sunne ko kuch nhi tha. Mai andar se khali ho gai thi. Fir ek doopeher mere sabar ka baandh toot gya. Mai phone pr ro di or phone disconnect kr di lekin Adi ne fir call nhi kiya mujhe. Kiya bhi to bahut baad me. Mai khud ko rok nhi pai thi , bas ro rhi thi, khud ko kos rhi thi , wo bhi kisi or k samne. Khud ko Khali kr rhi thi mai. Pr jinki jaroorat thi mujhe he didn't care. Or fir chakkar kha kr collapse ho gai, tab samjh aaya ki kya kr liya tha maine apna. Ro ro kr aankhen suja kr bhi kya mila tha mujhe. Khud ko Khali kr k kya mila tha mujhe. Us shaam jab Adi se baat Hui to unhone kaha ki jisse unka vivah hoga usse wo pyaar kr lenge. Kya itna aasan hoga unke liye ? Kya mere prati unka pyaar itna khokhla tha ? Kya wo kisi or k prati itne samarpit ho jayenge wapas se ? Kya ye sab itna aasan tha ? Mujhe vishwas nhi ho rha tha ki mai unhi insaan se baat kr rhi thi jo kabhi kehte the ki mere liye wo janev bhi dharan kr lenge. Mere emotions ka kya fir ? Mere samarpan ko to unhone kuchal diya tha unhone. Mere vishwas ko tod diya tha. Mujhe tod diya tha. Mai khud ko Khali kr k unhe bana rhi thi kyuki kal ko wo kisi or k paas ja sake. Kya koi or Bina kisi naam k , Bina kisi adhikar k unka itna sath dega. Kal ko koi or unse judega to shayad unke naam k liye , unke Yash k liye , unki keerti k liye lekin mai kyu thi unke jeevan me? Kyu Diya unka sath ? Suna tha maine ki jab mard pyaar me hota h to tumhare liye kuch bhi kr sakta h. Apne parivaar se hi nhi duniya se lad sakta h. Pr Adi mere liye khud se bhi nhi lad sakte. Duniya se ladna to dur ki baat h. Mai jab ghar se unse milne ko nikalti hoon to janti hoon ki log jab Hume sath dekhenge to unse pehle mujhe hi question karenge. Mere sanskar pr , mere parents pr. Lekin sirf unpr vishwas kr k mai unke sath kahin jati thi. Us vishwas ko Adi ne khud Tod diya tha. Achanak unhe apne parents k armaan yaad aagye , or ek mai thi jo apne parents ki chetavni ignore kr k unka sath de rhi thi. Fir mere parents k armaan ka kya ? Mere papa jo ye chahte the ki wo apne damaad k sath pooja de wo ? Or ye sab unhe tab kyu nhi yaad aaya tha jab sab kuch shuru me tha. Tab Kaha tha maine unse ki mujhse dur ho jane ko lekin unhone hi kaha tha ki wo ab kadam peeche nhi badhayenge. To ab kya hua tha? Ab achanak ? Mere close aane se pehle unhone ye sab kyu nhi socha tha? Mujhe gale lagane se pehle ? Mera hath thamne se pehle? Mujhse vaade krne se pehle? Or tab mujhe ek clarity mil gai , wo clarity jiski jaroorat thi mujhe or wo ye ki Adi ki life me mai temporary hoon. Didi sahi thi. Ho sakta h ki jis din unhe meri replacement mil jaye wo mujhe replace kr denge. Wo mujhe khone se isiliye nhi darte kyuki unhe meri value h, balki isiliye darte h ki wo akele n ho jaye. Agar unhe meri value hoti to dikhti. To kya wo sab jhooth tha? Unke promises? Unka maa se mujhe mangna ? Yakeen nhi ho rha tha ki mai us insaan se baat kr rhi thi jo raat 11 bje maa se mujhe mangne gye the. Pr kya maa yun hi mujhe unke hisse de dengi ? Ye to bilkul waise hi hua jaise bin padhe paas hone ka pray krna. Ek jagah khade ho kr race jeetne k liye pray krna. If he loved me then where was his love ? Kahan tha wo pyaar ? Unke efforts unke gestures unke baaton se kahin se bhi wo pyaar nhi mil rha tha mujhe. Wo mere liye duniya se kya ladenge jab wo ye soch rhe ki kal ko wo kisi or ko pyaar kr lenge. Maine ek baar koi book padhi thi Jahan pr types of cheating likha tha , usme clearly likha tha ki agar koi tumhare prati loyal h pr wo agar kisi or ladki ka video bhi dekh rha h to wo bhi cheating hi h. Pr Adi to apne life me kisi or ko jagah dene ka soch rhe the. Ek mai thi jisne unke respect me , sabse apni aankhen band kr li thi. Haan Adi compare bhi kr dete h unhe or mujhe bahut baar. Jaise hisaab rakh rhe ho mera. Lekin kya koi or unke prati itni nishtha se samarpit ho payegi ? Wo bhi tab jab unke paas kuch n ho ? Mujhse pehle lucky unki dost thi , pr kya wo inse is samay dost hoti ? Shayad nhi. Koi or ladki kyu rehti itne sab k baad ? Or mai kyu hoon ? Haan sabko lagta hoga ki apne selfish motive se hoon pr kya selfish h? Gifts? Mujhe wo nhi chahiye unse. Haan kabhi hasi me kuch keh diya ho lekin nhi chahiye, agar gifts chahiye hote to Kritik, Siddharth, Adhiraj or n Jane kitne log the , unke offers accept kiye hote. Shayad naam bhi milta mujhe unka. Shayad wo mere liye ladne bhi ready ho jate. Pr Mai to khud ko Khali kr k inke liye thi. Or Adi ne mere samarpan ko hi disrespect kr diya tha. Us shaam wo mujhe park me aane bole or mai gai , wo kuch bata rhe the mujhe lekin mai kuch kehne sunne ki halat me nhi thi. Kuch to Krna tha mujhe Mai aise ab or nhi reh sakti thi. Apni body me hi ghutan mehsoos ho rhi thi mujhe.