After all those things , I thought sab track pr aarha tha. Little did I know ki mai apne hi feelings ko avoid kr rhi thi , I was again occupied with other stuffs and me and him was enjoying some good time together. Ab baari thi ek mahine baad ghar jane ki. Ofc I informed him but mujhe buy bolne k time he was again occupied with some bhaiya of his. Mai Ghar aagai and again some challenges were waiting for us. I asked him to come to him to help us but he couldn't, not his fault anyways. One night I was going through insta and suddenly I saw a random girl who was in Adi's following list and followers list as well. Tbh pehle dekh kr to shock laga mujhe. I thought only me and his sister were there. I can't express in words ki maine kya kya soch liya tha . I was on the verge of crying and even cried as well. I asked him about it and I got to know that she was some school friend of his. Sach kahun to uske following me hone ka itna bura nhi lag rha tha jitna bura is baat ka lag rha tha ki Adi mujhe uske baare me batana bhul gye. Ye bhi batana bhul gye ki unki baat hoti thi usse. I mean how? Jo insaan kal tak har choti baat mujhse share krte the wo ye baat batana kaise bhul gye the. Sach kahun to bahut kuch soch liya tha maine. Lekin fir bhi baki sab thoughts ko alag push ki coz I had to focus on other things as well. Plus us wakt Adi ne kafi ache se cheezen communicate ki to jo misunderstanding thi wo clear ho gai. Adi fir pehli baari mujhe lene aaye Ghar. Unke hath me us wakt kafi chot aai Hui thi. Maine usko cure krne ki bahut koshish ki pr hua hi nhi jaise. Bahut koshish ki unka pain kam krne ki pr mera hi pain badh rha tha unka Kam nhi ho pa rha tha. Dheere dheere mere health pr bhi kafi asar padne laga tha mere thoughts ka. Adi or mai aaye din wapas se kuch conflicts me fas jate the. Fir 20 din baad again I came back to home for deepawali vacation. Adi ghar tak drop krne aaye the. Hum bus se aaye and the journey went good. Fir Adi bhi apne ghar gye. And like always unke ghar jane se wapas se conflict hue. Sach bolu to I missed him but he went extra busy and fir it ultimately leaded to our behes. Jab mai unhe jayada miss krti hoon to baad me wo chiz narazgi me convert ho jati h. Which he didn't understand. Unhe lagta h ki Mai cheezon k liye unhe blame kr rhi hoon or wo defensive ho jate h and ultimately humari behes ho jati thi. Although us wakt unki health kuch thik nhi thi. Diwali k din maine socha ki unke liye kuch special karu. Saree pehnu. Kafi baar unhone ye bola tha mujhe to I thought to surprise him but guess what. Uske subah hi Adi ne mujhe wapas bhala bura keh diya. And kehne k baad wo gayab ho gye. As if unhe kuch fark hi nhi padta. Aata hoon bol kr chale . Pr meri aankhon se us din aansu aagye. I was feeling dumb. Sab sort krne k liye mai Jin insaan k liye ek surprise soch rhi thi wo insaan mujhe thik se diwali bhi wish nhi kr sakte the. Mostly jab mai Adi k liye hi kuch bolti hoon ya fir haqq jata kr unse kabhi rooth ti hoon to Adi manane ki jagah ulta mujhse hi gussa ho jate h. Offensive ya defensive ho jate h. Or mere expectations toot jate h. Khud ko bahut encourage krne k baad shaam me maine saree pehni although mera mann nhi tha subah k baad. Lekin fir mummy ko do din pehle se hi pareshan kr rakhi thi or last moment pr na bolti to or sunne milta or mai or nhi rona chahti thi us din so I wore the saree. Kul devi ko chadhai hui wo saree thi. And I looked beautiful, I mean extremely beautiful. I wore the saree and guess what naraz hone k baad bhi maine unhe picture bheji haan once view me hi sahi but I sent to him. And and and I was disappointed. Jaise Maine expect Kiya tha waisa to koi reaction nhi tha. Koi khas compliment nhi. Haan he told me ki mai beautiful lag rhi pr shayad waise nhi jaise wo dil se kehte h. Bahar keedon k beech khade reh kr mummy ki daant sun kr unse chat kr rhi thi and suddenly he said ki unhe keede pareshan kr rhe and he went offline. How stupid of me. Khud ko wapas se bewkoof banane k baad maine sone chali aai. Aise hi next day fir wo 6 bje bol kr gye ki aarha hoon or seedha next day 6 bje aaye. Like 12 ghante me maybe unhe 2 minute bhi mere liye wait nhi Mila hoga. In spite knowing ki mai overthink krti hoon he didn't even bothered to text me once. Us din I felt like ki mai bewkoof hoon ekdam , jaise mai ghadi ghadi time check kr rhi thi , phone dekh rhi thi ki ek text aaya hoga or samne wala insaan ye hi bhul gya tha ki mai exist bhi krti hoon. Like literally just to inform me, ek sentence type krne me kitna hi samay jata. I felt unimportant. I felt uncherished. Andar se bahut bekaar wali feeling aarhi thi mujhe. Jaise samne wale insaan k jeevan me meri koi value hi nhi h. And tab mujhe yaad aarhe the wo Adi , who used to update me about every small things he used to do. Har 2 min ka update coz he knew ki mai overthink karungi. Wo Adi jo ghar ja k bhi mujhe ghadi ghadi inform krte the. I felt sorry for me, ki mai aise kyu ho gai. Mai kabhi kisi insaan ka wait aise nhi ki thi. Kabhi unimportant feel nhi ki thi kisi or k karan or aaj us insan k karan feel kr rhi thi wo told me ki unki life me mai sab kuch hoon , mujhse jayada important koi nhi tha. Lekin wo importance mujhe dikh kyu nhi rha tha. Haan Jaan rhi thi ki kuch tension h pr meri life me bhi the Mai unhe ignore to nhi krti thi tab. Mujhe kis baat ki saza mil rhi thi. Mai baar baar unko kuch batana chah rhi thi , pr har baar khud ko hi kos kr chali aati ki why I put myself in such situation. Anyways, fir chuttiyan khatam hone k baad Adi mujhe lene aaye the. Hum bus se ja hi rhe the ki some bad experience happened. Uske baad poore raste he ignored me. Tab bhi jab mujhe bag se chot lagi. Maybe unhone notice Kiya lekin fir bhi kuch nhi kaha. Hath pr lage chot ka dard to mujhe itna nhi laga lekin his silence was killing me. Wo mujhe hostel k gate tak chor k gye. Pr mud kr dekha bhi nhi merj taraf. Aisa lag rha tha jaise unke pr bas ek responsibility hoon mai. Jise wo pura kr chale gye. Bus me hui wo sab baaten mere kaano me goonj rhi thi. I was feeling suffocated and I needed him to be with me but he wasn't. Jaise unhe meri koi chinta hi n ho. Koi fark na ho mujhse. Wapas se panic attack was coming. Ghabrahat me unhe phone to laga diya tha maine lekin fir cut bhi kr diya kyuki kya kehti unko. Mujhe unhe ye nhi dikhana tha ki I was weak. Unhone mujhe wapas to phonr kiya lekin so jao keh kr phone kaat diya. Mai roti reh gai. Neend to nhi hi aane wali thi mujhe. Panic attack or chest pain k karan mai so nhi pai. Mujhe bas Adi yaad aarhe the. Pr ye insaan jo abhi the wo Adi to nhi ho sakte the. Adi apni masculine duty nhi fulfill kr rhe the to apni self respect side rakh maine bahut der baad unhe call kiya. Wo so rhe the. Fir unhone mujhse ajeeb dhang se baat ki. Fir bhi wapas se maine unhe call lagaya. Andar hi andar mai toot rhi thi. Fir unhone kuch aisa bola jo jisko sun kr mera dil toot gya. Mai toot gai. He told me ab he will never hold my hand hand or he will never touch me again. Devastated was an understatement. I felt like killing myself at that time. Aisa laga ki kisi ne meri purity ko hi question kr diya. Or kisi ne nhi Adi ne aisa kiya. Kisi or ke words unke liye mujh se badh kr ho gye the. Mai achanak unke liye maleen ho gai thi. I was crying on phone , and I hated myself for that. Abhi bhi I am crying recalling that day. Mujhe kuch soojh nhi rha tha us din , it was like jo kaam Adi ko Krna chahiye tha wo kaam mai kr rhi thi. Sabse jayada mujhe console hone ki jaroorat thi , lekin mai unhe console kr rhi thi. Jo validations unhe mujhe khud Deni chahiye thi , mai unse wo maang rhi thi. Fir maine bhi decide kr liya tha ki mai ab kabhi unhe sparsh nhi karungi. Kabhi bhi nhi. Pehli baar aisa hua tha ki mai hum dono k conflict k baare me kisi or ko bataya, Riya didi ko. Coz one day I was crying on phone and Adi ne mujhe bola ki mai Shivani se baat kr lu , like seriously! Mai unki responsibility hoon ya fir Shivani ki? I was done with him. Mujhe ab aise nhi rehna tha unke sath. Mujhe mere Adi chahiye the us wakt pr Adi to jaise mere sath the hi nhi. Riya didi ne bahut kuch sunaya mujhe. Bola ki mai Adi ki life se chali jau. Ab or mauke unhe na du unhe. Meri kya galti thi ki wo mujhe aise treat kr rhe the. Mera unki life me hone ek privilege hai unke liye pr unhe uski kadar hi nhi h. Unhe meri kadar nhi thi. Mai kyu thi unki jeevan me ? Didi ne bola ki mai apni self respect ko value Karu or chup chap nikal jau unki life se. Lekin fir mai ruki ek or mauka diya unhe. Ladai ki unse ki please mere Adi ko le aao. I know jab mai ye wapas khud padhungi to mujhe khud pr hi bahut gussa aayega , aata bhi h ki usi wakt kyu nhi chali gai unki life se. Lekin mai ruk gai. Ruk gai us insaan k liye, jo mere liye road cross krna seekhe , ruk gai us insaan k liye jo mere liye random long paragraphs likhte the , ruk gai us insaan k liye jo mere liye raat me kabhi bhi jaag jate the taki mujhe sula k soye. Ruk gai thi us insaan k liye jo mere liye kuch bhi krne ko ready hote the. Shayad mujhe nhi rukna chahiye tha. Shayad nhi ladna chahiye tha unke liye. Aaj bhi mai apne aansu nhi rok pa rhi , us din bhi nhi rok pai thi. Aaj bhi seene me dard ho rha or tab bhi ho rha tha. Maybe tab hi mujhe Jana chahiye tha jab wo mujhe rok nhi rhe the.